Friend vs. Self

Used For 💡

• Developing self-compassion without lowering standards

• Revealing harsh inner dialogue and its impact on performance

• Building emotional resilience after mistakes or setbacks

• Connecting self-talk to leadership behavior and team culture

• Reducing shame and unproductive self-criticism

• Strengthening psychological safety (internally and interpersonally)

Group Size 👫

Solo or in pairs

Total Time ⏳

10–15 minutes (solo)
15–20 minutes (pairs)

What This Is 🤔

How Would You Treat a Friend? is a reflective exercise that highlights the gap between how we respond to others in difficulty — and how we respond to ourselves.

By making this contrast visible, participants begin to notice the tone, language, and assumptions shaping their inner dialogue. The exercise gently challenges the belief that self-criticism is necessary for responsibility or performance, and invites a more effective inner stance.

This is not about self-esteem or positivity.
It’s about changing the voice that carries standards, learning, and leadership.

How It Works 🔩

Part I — Alone

1. Friend Response (Fast Writing, 2 minutes)

Ask participants to work individually.

Invite them to think of a close friend who is struggling, has failed, or feels inadequate.

Ask them to write quickly, without overthinking:

• What do you typically say to this friend?

• What do you do?

• What is the tone of your response?

Encourage speed and honesty.

2. Self Response (Fast Writing, 2 minutes)

Now ask participants to think of a moment when they struggle, fail, or feel disappointed with themselves.

Again, write quickly:

• What do you say to yourself?

• What do you do?

• What is the tone of your inner voice?

No fixing. Just noticing.

3. Compare & Notice (2 minutes)

Invite participants to compare the two responses.

Ask them to reflect:

• What differences do you notice?

• How does the tone change?

• Which response would actually help someone recover faster?

At this point, the exercise is already complete and can end here if run solo.

Part II — Together (Optional Pair Extension)

4. Pair Sharing — Noticing the Gap (4–5 minutes)

Participants pair up.

Each person shares:

• One or two observations about the difference between how they treat a friend and how they treat themselves

The listener’s role:

• Listen without fixing or advising

• Reflect back what they hear

Then switch roles.

5. Exploring the Belief Behind Self-Criticism (3–4 minutes)

In pairs, invite participants to explore one question together:

• What do you believe harsh self-criticism does for you?

  • Keeps standards high?

  • Prevents mistakes?

  • Signals responsibility?

Then gently test the belief:

• Does this actually help you learn or recover faster?

6. Rewriting the Inner Voice (Optional, 2–3 minutes)

Invite participants to choose one common self-critical sentence they wrote earlier.

Ask them to:

• Rewrite it in the tone they would use with a close friend

• Share it with their partner, if comfortable

This is not positive thinking. It’s functional kindness.

What You’re Practicing 🎯

• Awareness of inner dialogue

• Self-compassion under pressure

• Emotional regulation after failure

• Perspective-taking

• Psychological safety (internal and shared)

• Leadership grounded in humanity

Why It Works 🏗️

Self-criticism often operates automatically and invisibly.

By contrasting friend-talk with self-talk, the exercise exposes this habit without judgment. Whether done privately or shared with a partner, the insight is the same: harshness rarely improves performance, but it reliably increases stress and slows recovery.

Changing the inner voice doesn’t remove accountability — it improves learning.

What the Research Says 🔬

Research by Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion is linked to greater resilience, emotional regulation, and sustained motivation, particularly after failure. Contrary to common fears, it does not reduce standards or responsibility.

In paired formats, shared reflection further reduces shame and defensiveness — reinforcing self-compassion as a leadership capability, not just a personal skill.

Pro Tips 🥠

• Emphasize speed to bypass self-censorship

• Normalize resistance to self-compassion

• Keep pair sharing selective, not exhaustive

• Frame kindness as functional, not indulgent

• Let participants choose solo or paired depth

Common Pitfalls ⚠️

• Turning self-compassion into excuses

• Forcing vulnerability

• Over-intellectualizing the reflection

• Letting pairs drift into advice-giving

• Rushing the comparison step

Optional Debrief 💬

• What surprised you in the contrast?

• Which voice actually helps you recover faster?

• How might your inner voice show up in how you lead others?

• What would change if this became your default after mistakes?

The Takeaway 🥡

Most people don’t need more pressure. They need a better inner coach. Whether practiced alone or shared with others, self-compassion strengthens learning, accountability, and humane leadership — without lowering the bar.